I have been struggling a bit with my move to Oklahoma. Not so much that I’m unrelentingly depressed or unable to get on with life here in my new town, but because all of it is still so foreign to me. I find my inability to navigate the interstate system or even the goddamn aisles of the grocery store to be so fantastically frustrating (seriously, it’s okay to put cans of beans in the same aisle as cans of corn!). A few weekends ago, I had my first big emotional collapse, although I don’t know that it was really all that big. It lasted only a couple of days and eventually lifted like a fog, but during that time it was somewhat rough. Only a few days before this hit me, I was so proud of myself for having felt like I had finally cut the cord from Florida, that I had allowed myself to become unattached. I still call it home but now I feel like it’s okay not to be there in order to do so. But afterward, I had nothing, nowhere, to attach to.
Time is a monster when it wants to be, robbing us of those pivotal moments in life when we suddenly get it! Those moments are so short-lived and easy to forget, but they are really, really awesome when they happen. And I want one of those oh-so-badly right now! Maybe it’ll happen when I can walk into the grocery store and know exactly where to find the ricotta cheese (no, it’s not where you think it is), or when I can hop onto the Kilpatrick Turnpike without worrying about whether I have enough change to get through the toll booth (so far, I’ve always been able to avoid the turnpike by driving all the way around it or, as the locals call it, going the long way), or even when I can manage to get to the Oklahoma City Zoo or the Science Museum without having to punch the address into the GPS. Whenever I remember that the numbered streets run east and west, I come across a road that bucks the system by running east and west but has an actual name. I mean, c’mon!
My friend Liz, Matt, and I talked about this for a short while not too long ago, about my need to attach to things, to places. Am I in limbo? Is this what is happening to me? It is very similar to being lost, knowing where you’ve come from and knowing where you need to get to, but for the moment I am so, so lost and probably because I haven’t attached. Honestly, I am not a clingy person. At least not in the traditional sense when one imagines a jealous girlfriend or a small child attached to the legs of his overwhelmed mother. That is not me at all. I guess I like to feel like I belong to something, to someplace. That I am essentially a part of its fabric, whether or not it has even had a chance to get to know me. Because, realistically, this is how I feel about you, Oklahoma City. You are a part of me now and I barely even know you at all.
Rest assured, we are working on this. So here are a few photos of things that for me mean home. It is one of the places in Oklahoma I am becoming quite attached to :