stillness

“I’m very tolerant of stillness. I’d rather not move my hands just to move them. I’ll wait for the right thing.”
 ~ Jonathan Lethem.

I’m learning.

My life has kind of become everything I try so hard to avoid – full of unknowns. But the days keep coming and going whether or not I’m prepared for the next. And, well…I’m not.  I’m not prepared at all. For anything. Quite frankly, this scares me to death.

And, of course, I want to fix this. NOW.

This is the first time in my life I haven’t had a plan. I always have a plan. I have plans to backup potentially backfiring plans. Seriously. I do.

Except this time, there is no plan.

I know people who can cope amazingly well in these kinds of situations. They enjoy the ride, the ups and downs of real life, the emotional teetering and the feeling of being alive!, whatever that means.  Being worried and stressed out and emotionally insecure is not my idea of a good time.  I feel most alive when I know what the hell is going on and I can relax and not question things.  

When things aren’t at a complete standstill.  And I’m not very tolerant of stillness. Sometimes, though, those life changers are out of my hands, in the hands and hearts of others, and I must wait for the right thing. I don’t have a choice this time.

So, I wait…

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